My life right now is quite complex. Sometimes I don’t know what I should do anymore. I feel so tired and sad inside. Never thought my life could be this complicated. Am I making the wrong decision again? Why people usually misunderstood me? It’s so sad..honestly too sad and painful especially the person u love and care the most…misunderstood you. Not trusting you. Is there anything left if there is no trust build? How can I betray the person I care the most? Where did he get the idea of betrayal anyway? What makes he thinks like that? Is it hard for him to talk about it? Is it painful for him to discuss about it? I feel it’s not fair for me for not knowing what or which betrayal that he really means? It’s also sad and disappointing because he stills not know the real me even though we already be friends for a year. Every word he accused me just now, it’s so painful like a knife stabbing in my heart. Each words like a pouring acid in my heart and it keeps taunting me, keeps on repeating in my mind.
Maybe perhaps I also wrong here. Yes, I’m totally honest and easily trust people and now, there are people who stab me on my back. Giving stories which I don’t know how it’s been told to him, whether been adding spices or not. I really don’t know. But the fact is, it’s not my intentions to bad mouth about him. It’s more I ask for opinion why he acting like that because this is the first time I really love and care a person. I’m not an expert in flirting, in this romance relationship. Due to that, I ask opinions from so called friends and I appreciate every opinion. But not all of my friends know about it. If he has problems, I don’t know what to do. Confuse, worried, suffocated; in short I don’t know what to do. So, I ask opinion. But each time I talk about him, it’s more how to strengthen our friendship, coz of care and worries and because I want to help him. In between that, I always say his goodness despite my friend said he doesn’t appreciate every care I’ve made. It’s true sometimes I feel I just a bystander, invisible to him. It’s sad..so sad. If I really mean to bad mouth or betrayed him, why do I still love and care for him..why? How can’t he see me or even think that? It’s so sad…so sad..my tears can’t stop running. It’s unspeakable sad.
Sometimes I think why I even bother to think about it? Why am I so stupid that he deserve such a special place in my heart? He told me to leave him alone. How can I leave him alone and make him invisible? If I know how, I already have done that in the first place. It’s easy to hate someone, but to love someone dearly, it’s hard. I have tried to hate him, blaming him for everything because it will make me easier to forget him. But it’s only working for a while. Because I can’t hate him, I just can’t. I just too care for him to hate him. How can you hate someone you care? I easily forgive him for everything. It’s so sad..so sad.
And because I love him, I force myself to face the truth. Unspeakable painful truth. I never have him more than a friend and day by day I try to live with the fact. I decided to be his good friend. A friend that will always stay by his side no matter what happen. Although I know he doesn’t trust me, but I trust him and for me it’s enough. Although he acting the opposite way. Am I wrong? Why I feel that only I want to preserve this friendship? I feel so tired. It’s been a year and yet he doesn’t know me. It’s so sad and my tears don’t stop running. Love is complex. It’s been countless times I’ve crying. Why can’t my heart give up? Why I love him so much? Why is this happen to me? Am I not strong enough?
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