I neeed HELP!!!!

Please..i really need help...i feel sooo alone...why? coz i really want to watch movie..but no, none of my friends has the time..well, can't blame them either..they have their rights. And my groupwise server hairwired with the presentation time is just next week...why i feel my life getting out of control..one by one...slip through..from my hand...i don't want this..being rejected...painfully...then firmly raise up...then..turbulence again...wooohooo...what a life right now..

right now i have been thinking..reflecting myself...why am i not satisfied with all this? perhaps i haven't find my passion and i'm straying away from my dreams.whatever it is..i will never give up getting through this..i will find my own strength although it's just the smallest strength left in me. i will find any reason for not give up...yosh..akiramiru janaiii ooh..

3rd ep of love N heartbreak chronology

Yesterday I’m not in the mood. My face all cloudy even in the morning; which is not good. Well, what can I do? My heart is pouring rain inside. I’m in the middle of heartbroken day…hahaha…never thought that I can be in this situation. Seriously, I never imagine it. But it does happen. Well, who say life is easy. However I didn’t blame him. He’s not at fault here. He doesn’t know the truth. How can I expect he read my mind? People can’t read minds. People can only assume. That’s all.

My day today is as usual, better than yesterday. Although I still sad, but I have to accept the fact. I even miss him today although I busy with work. I think I still can’t forget him. He will always special in my heart; always and forever. A friend said I better confess to him before it’s too late. I think she is right, but I don’t want him to be in dilemma between me and his dream girl. I will make sure myself can accept him as a friend. Yes, people can say I’m stupid. I know I am. But I can’t help it. I just can’t stop care about him. I can’t stop thinking about him. I can’t stop miss him…hehehe…he is special. I will always love him. I decided I want to be his shoulder to cry on. Lend my ears listening to his tension cracks and say ‘everything will be fine’. Laugh at his jokes although the jokes not humorous enough for me or I don’t get the point of it. Why? Because I want him to be happy. At least, I’m happy when he’s happy. That’s it. Nothing more to that.

I didn’t see him today and I might not see him next week because I have training. I will miss him. I hope my symptom (angau disease) is quite cured (coz I will be clumsy like hell if I don’t see him more than 5 days), or else I will be in trouble…hahaha…silly me.
that’s it for today. What happen next, only God knows. But I always hope for positive things happens to me. Hopefully.

2nd ep of love N heartbreak

It feels just like yesterday I wrote my blog regarding my first love. But it seems like my first love only bring heartbreaks to me. Nothing more to that. I wish I didn’t have these feelings in the first place. Heartbreak is painful. My heart keeps on crying out loud without a sound which is unbearable. Thus makes me hard to talk, not in the mood of anything extra. I know that I have to keep on going. Be strong because it will over soon (hopefully, as my friend said). I want to be strong. I want to be I control and think positive. But I can’t right now. It’s pouring rain inside and it seems like it will go on and on. Sometimes the rain wants to go out, but there are always heavy clouds shield those before the rain gets worse. So friends, I am so sorry if I’m not as talkative as before. It’s because I don’t want the rain to gets worse and went out.

I wonder how I can face him every day. Can I be as before? How can I answer him if he asks my opinion regarding his love life? Honestly, I can’t stand it. It’s so much pain inside. Unbearable pain, but I really amazed of myself because I can control myself in front of him; giving my honest opinion about it. Sometimes I feel like I’m so stupid like hell. Why I’m so miss nice girl? Why can’t I be mean sometimes? (Nashrah…you’re so damn STUPID!)

One night can change everything…no to be precise, one moment can destroy everything. Yesterday we chat until he told me that he likes someone that is so much younger than him, surprisingly still in school. He just met her for 2 months now. He asked my opinion whether he should keep the relationship or not because he can’t wait longer for her to matured or ready. He seems like want to marry her and I feel that it’s rushing. The moment I heard that I don’t know what to say. My mind tries to find suitable words, my heart starts to feel pain by every word he said about his love life and the most difficult things is to make a fake face that I’m ok with everything he said; looking in his eyes saying that everything will be going to be fine. See…? I’m really a great actress am I? I should win an Oscar or something. Only God knows.
Right now, I think I can’t say much. The pain is still unbearable. Due to that I wrote this blog. Thank you to the people who invent this…hahaha…

I wonder what type of fake face should I do when I meet him today? I wonder what character should I be if I meet him today? I wonder when this pain will be over? Right now, how much really wish I don’t fall in love with him. I really do hope that. But it seems that, it’s already too late because I’m already lost in this deep cold sea.

Love N heartbreak chronology

When I grew older and began to adapt my new lifestyle, being a career lady; I realize that life isn’t as easy as I usually think. There are many things to consider and for the first time in my life, I face the biggest (to me it is, seriously!) problem of all; love life. Having a career isn’t as fun as I usually imagine, but I think it’s not at all bad. I meet many people with various characteristic (which is quite interesting), learn a lot of things and being crazy in other way that I haven’t done before. My life starting to be unpredictable especially I began to lose control of my life (not as before) as I began to like someone. This is the first time I feel like unbearable if I don’t meet someone. The first time I care someone so much other than my family. The first time
I worried about someone just because a cough. How much I missed someone and his perfume will still lingers although he’s not there. The first time I really drew into a person’s eyes. Yes, I think I have fall in love. But reality always hurts. I think I fall in love to someone that might not like me. I always think that if we truly love someone, that person will always love us back. But now, I start to wonder whether that statement is even true. Being honest is always been my principle, but now I think I’m not being honest with my feelings. I think so many things and consequences that will occur if I confess to him that I like him. The one thing that drew me back is, I’m afraid that I will lose him if I tell him my true feeling. Yet day by day, I feel my heart going to blow because I can’t be honest and always pretending he’s only a friend. As all these happen to me, now I know the feeling of few famous drama / novel characters.

I hate myself because I didn’t being honest and being a coward (because of these I’m always in dilemma). I feel stupid because caring and worried someone so much, but he only treats you as one of his friend. I am angry of myself because I can’t control myself and let him be just a friend. Sometimes I just hate him because I love him so much. Woman is weird, but I think I’m weirder…haha..

I thank God for giving me friends around me to accompany me for this moment. Always patience hearing my bubbling about him so much. I can’t thank you girls enough. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Long Kong

Herm..it’s been days I haven’t post blog here. Actually I did my mental note to write sumthing but my hand always full. I think I have to manage my time more effectively in the future..hahaha..alrite, what should I write here…herm..(thinking…)

Oh yeah..have you guys seen Long Kong 2? Well, I haven’t but looking forward to see it (^_^). I heard that Long Kong is one of the famous horror movie from Thailand and should not to be missed. Thus, I went to Speedy with hope to rent Long Kong cd. Well, at least I have the basis before I watch Long Kong 2. What can I say from watching it; don’t ever try with dark magic, not even once. Seriously, once revenge started, it will never stop. From this movie shows how deep revenge can overcome humanity. Moreover, it lays out the importance of faith in God, be good to others and respect them coz we don’t know the darkness in humans’ heart. As soon as the Long Kong movie finished, my mind racing thinking if I did make anyone angry or has the possibility to revenge me…*sigh*..I tell you, it’s not easy to be honest to yourself and admit sincere your wrongs. Scan through every bit of memories that you can remember and analyze each of it. It’s hard indeed but I think this need to be done. In the end I did have some names..hahaha..see, I’m not perfect, aware of that and accepting it (^_^).

Alright. Just this for now. To my friend who loves horror movie, I think Long Kong 2 should not be missed..hehehe….Herm..the problem I face now is, who wants to watch Long Kong 2 with me since most of my friend didn’t watch horror movie and busy with their own love life..I don’t want to watch movie alone..(~_~)||..

accidents & family

I’ve got a call from my brother saying that they had an accident. I was shocked and speechless. All can I think of is how about my parents’ condition. Accidents always brings bad news no; to be precise, accidents is bad news. My brother continues that my parents are fine but the car isn’t. They really fortunate that they’re alive and only scratches. However the trauma still exists.

This accident was due to the other driver fault, but because of their carelessness, it affects others. Well, perhaps this already written by God and I really thankful as they’re fine. Once again, I really appreciate my family are still here with me. I really thankful to God for giving me the chance to live with them such a long time and I really pray to Him that will be with them more years to come.

I want them to see me achieve my dreams. I want them to be there in my wedding day. I want to share with them the feelings when I gave my first birth. I still want them to be with me years to come because I need them and I love them so much. Truth to be told, they’re my strength although sometimes we argue. My parents aren’t like other parents. They’re quite strict and old fashioned. But I know they mean good and I respect that. It’s just sometimes I fell that they just too much controlling my life. However when I think back, they actions are acceptable. I also not truly a good daughter, but I will try my best to be one. I know I always make mistakes, but I will try not to make the same mistake again.

Whenever I arguing with my parents, especially my mum, I always cry and wondering why I always get criticizes. Then, when I’m done crying, I think back of those things I said to her. I always feel bad about it because I actually don’t mean every painful words that I’ve said. I really do love and appreciate her. It’s just sometimes I feel my ego always come over me; which is not good (I should practice to control my ego (~_~)). After that, I always say sorry to her and as a mum, she forgave me. How kind a mother are.

I wonder what kind of mother will I be? I think marry to someone isn’t as easy as ABC. It needs a lot of commitment, patience, tolerance, communication and techniques (I guess so; techniques that are crucial in marriage). Especially when there are children in the family. Taking care a child require a lot of commitment with their usual needs, education, health, love and if taking care more than a child certainly need more than that. Bringing up children is a tough job and I believe this responsibility should not on the wife shoulder alone, but also the husband. Nowadays, there are a lot of challenges that will distract and giving bad influence to the children. Thus, the wife alone can’t bear the whole responsibility as she has a lot of other responsibilities to take care of. Especially for the working wife. I also believe in quality than quantity. It’s better to have less children than having a lot of children based on the family financial and capabilities; which I think important. What’s the use of having a lot of children if we can’t really give them our 100 percent commitment?

When the time comes, I will try my best to be a good mother, a good and understanding wife plus a good daughter (although I’m married).

Well, this is just what I think since I’m still single and available. Yeah…I know I did like someone, but the person only look me as a friend. Thus, let it be. I want to focus more on what I have now. The time will come, eventually. As for now, watashi wa ganbaru yo (^_^).

My Cinderella Story

Today’s night I took my time watching Cinderella movie starring by Hillary Duff for the second time. This time I try to understand more each of the characters feelings and their decisions in certain situation. Then I said to myself ’this movie isn’t bad at all’; giving better comment than before. I like this statement

’fairy tale is not only about finding a handsome prince. But it is about realizing our dreams and standing in what we believe in’.

I think I have forgotten for a while about my dreams. I suppose not to forget that. This is what happen if you lose focus about realizing your dreams. Once I’m so particular person and always plan in whatever I want to do. But now, it seems like I just going with the flow; which is not really good for me.

I also like the friendship between Sam and Carter. They are really honest, helping each other which really makes me miss my friends. They’re really fun to be with, honest to me and we went together a lot. But since we separated due to career, we hardly see each. I do miss them a lot. Studying time is precious and a lot of important memories. I will always cherish those memories. I ask myself, will I ever meet them again? Will I ever find friends like them again? Whatever the answer is, I always believe that good things will come if we do good deed and vice versa. I believe God is fair and wise, thus I hope I can live my life with honesty.

In this movie, there is a part where the guy don’t recognize his dream girl. How can that happen? He at least has some clue. She just wearing an eye mask, not covering her whole face! Stupid and coward guy! He just left her fighting alone with all the students laughing at her. How could he do that? It’s so cruel, but that’s the fact. Reality always hurts and not always fair. But all we have to do is never afraid to face whatever coming, patience, stand in what we believe in and always pray to God. Well, at least this movie has a good ending. But what makes me think is, why Sam has to go and knock Austin head? I mean why must a girl has to start first? I think she is brave saying those things; honest and straight to the point. I like when she said

‘I can’t wait for you anymore because waiting for you is like waiting the rain to come in a draught’.

I think I understand her feelings because I feel like that either. That waiting feels like forever and full of uncertainties. Hence those uncertainties always steal my energy; left my wavering heart and mind. It’s so tiring. That’s why I don’t really like uncertainties. However the fact is life always full of uncertainties *sigh*.

Love & Peace

Nashrah