a decision to make

I see the blank page before me and my heart filled with everything..mixed feeling that I can’t translate it with words. Is this the right decision? Or am I running away from my problem? I’m not sure about anything right now. But one thing for sure, I need to do something. I need to move on..means I need to forget him. It’s hard for me to make this decision since I do love him so much. I really do care him. I would do anything for him to be happy. And now, it’s clear that he’s happy. He already moved on with his new gf. She can give him what I can’t give him. He needs her and she makes her happy. Seeing him in good hands, so it’s time for me to go. I need to move on. It’s already been almost 2 years.
I think I can face him almost every day and acting nothing happen; face the problem, not running away from it. As I always did. Yet, I’m not strong enough. I still can’t. I still remember him each morning, before I sleep, every minute..wondering what he’s doing and whether he’s fine. Keep missing him. Keep searching whether he will be in the office or not. I can’t keep doing it. It’s already almost 2 years. I’m supposed to forget him, but unintentionally, I’m more in love with him. The worst thing is, I don’t care if he don’t like me. I don’t expect him to like me. I just him to be happy as that will make me so happy. But that also don’t do any good to other that care for me; my family, my friends. I don’t care if I don’t have anyone else, as long as I love him, but others don’t. It’s hard for me..it’s hard. But I think I need to do this. Maybe this is the right thing to do. He also be much happier if I’m gone, as I’m not really important in his life.

careless whisper

Yesterday there was a scene that I can’t forget..always bugging in my mind. It’s just a moment. But it will make me smile each time I remembered it. A friend of mine blurted when he always saw my neighbor and I quarrel, miscommunication and etc..blurted that we both will be fated together. But I answered, it can’t be happening and smile. Funny how I can pretend that I don’t hoping that to happen. In front of him, it appears I tend to say otherwise, different from what inside my heart. Truthfully I love and always miss him. Whenever I miss him, how much I want to hear his voice, but I can’t call him. Coz I wonder if he will pick my call. If he do, what should I say, coz he will run away again if I say I miss him so much..truth not always nice. But I only can keep it inside because I’m afraid. If I be too honest with my feelings to him, things that happen before, will happen again and I can’t get through it again. It’s too painful seeing him like that..hurting him makes me hurt either.

Only here I can say, I do love you. But the truth always cruel. Your actions makes me assume that we never be together. Thus, I just keep this feeling and always stay by your side. It hurts when jealousy srikes..when you with other women, but I know I don’t have rights to you. I can’t force you to love me, but I can’t force myself for not loving you. Not for now. Seems like I’m in a love mess…and it already almost 2 years..yet I still miss him.


'time can never mend,
the careless whispers of u,
to the heart and mind,
ignorance is kind,
there's no comfort in the truth,
pain is all i'll find,
i'm never gonna dance again,
guilty feet have got no rhythm,
though it's easy 2 pretend,
but I still hear your careless whisper,
how much I need and miss u..'

Like only a woman can

I really into this song.the lyric is so meaningful and touch my heart.i even cried the first time i heard it.i wish i can be that woman.hope that i can be a woman that really be appreciated by a man that truly loves me.i wonder where that man.. :). i love listening t music. i really do.it helps me to understand some feelings that i never been before plus for joy..hahahaa..

here it is..the words that captures me:

I wasn’t perfect
I’ve done a lot of stupid things
Still no angel
I wasn’t looking for forgiveness
Wasn’t laid out by my pride
Shocked by her attention
And someone signed me up for love
I didn’t want it
And now I can’t live without it

She changed my life
She cleaned me up
She found my heart
Like only a woman can
She pulls me up
When she knows I’m sad
She knows her man
Like only a woman can

She’s kind of perfect
She’s kind of everything I’m not
Yeah, she’s an angel
And it’s amazing how she’s patient
Even more at times I’m not
She’s my conscience
And who decided I’d be hers
I wanna hate them
Cos now I can’t live without her

She changed my life
She cleaned me up
She found my heart
Like only a woman can
She pulls me up
When she knows I’m sad
She knows her man
Like only a woman can

Like only a woman can
And who decided I’d be hers
I wanna hate them
Cos now I can’t live without her

Oh, and she changed my life
She cleaned me up
She found my heart
Like only a woman can
She pulls me up
When she knows I’m sad
She knows her man
Like only a woman can

Like only a woman can
Like only a woman can
Like only a woman
Like only a woman can


to a person that i love right now, i do hope i can be his woman...where i promise i will do my best, to be a good lover, loyal and be there whenever he needs me. but the truth always cruel. i dunno if he really need me :).

Angels and Demon

When the first victim in the movie appeared, I knew it will be different than what I’ve read. The main plot still remain, but certain story that support it, been changed. Normal I guess because, based on LOTR and Harry Potter, those movies based on the novels also changed. Perhaps for many reasons, yet of course the main reason is to maximize the profit from the movie by making the movie more interesting and less heavy.

Moreover the other reason is the approach is different. For novel writers, an excellent plot is crucial for the success of a novel, while combination of good sound effect, famous actors and actress although with the simple plot, the movie can still sell and survive. I think that’s the beauty of making a movie, either you survive, or you can say bye bye to luxury. It’s risky to produce a movie, but once it successful, you are soo damn rich :).

Sometimes, I wish I have my own production. But I have to accept the reality. There are big difference between dream and reality. And the possibilities to be it true, infinity :(..Yet, that doesn’t stop me to enjoy watching movies, I always love it :).

true love..

Love prevents u from realizing ‘love is too much of a burden’

Before it turns to hatred

Ain’t it the same for everything

You always put a lid on nasty events, turning to a false reality

In this era of twisted dilemmas

Even we two who exchanged a promise

Cross each other without realizing

Breaking each other, we’ve abandoned the idea of understanding one another

Is this the end that awaits us?

Even as I rise, unable to acknowledge this

I won’t run away from the image of my fall

Ah..no matter how many times

I’ll look out for these eyes of yours

And the warmth of your hands

You whispered ‘love always hurt me’

You must’ve been crying, scared of believing weren’t you

Know your weakness and grow strong

By believing and not being afraid

And you will know the true love

heart in war

Despair is a sweet trap, a closed door,

Since the heart is a battlefield, it spares no one,

With their clockwork hearts being manipulated by fate,

The tin soldier begin the slaughter,

The rocking cradle that never witnessed love,

Burns out in the sleeping forest,

Even if the joy of coexisting disappears..far away,

Believe in tenderness..forgive everything,

In order to love, we must able to share with and understand each other..

s0 tireD...0f alL thiS

My life right now is quite complex. Sometimes I don’t know what I should do anymore. I feel so tired and sad inside. Never thought my life could be this complicated. Am I making the wrong decision again? Why people usually misunderstood me? It’s so sad..honestly too sad and painful especially the person u love and care the most…misunderstood you. Not trusting you. Is there anything left if there is no trust build? How can I betray the person I care the most? Where did he get the idea of betrayal anyway? What makes he thinks like that? Is it hard for him to talk about it? Is it painful for him to discuss about it? I feel it’s not fair for me for not knowing what or which betrayal that he really means? It’s also sad and disappointing because he stills not know the real me even though we already be friends for a year. Every word he accused me just now, it’s so painful like a knife stabbing in my heart. Each words like a pouring acid in my heart and it keeps taunting me, keeps on repeating in my mind.

Maybe perhaps I also wrong here. Yes, I’m totally honest and easily trust people and now, there are people who stab me on my back. Giving stories which I don’t know how it’s been told to him, whether been adding spices or not. I really don’t know. But the fact is, it’s not my intentions to bad mouth about him. It’s more I ask for opinion why he acting like that because this is the first time I really love and care a person. I’m not an expert in flirting, in this romance relationship. Due to that, I ask opinions from so called friends and I appreciate every opinion. But not all of my friends know about it. If he has problems, I don’t know what to do. Confuse, worried, suffocated; in short I don’t know what to do. So, I ask opinion. But each time I talk about him, it’s more how to strengthen our friendship, coz of care and worries and because I want to help him. In between that, I always say his goodness despite my friend said he doesn’t appreciate every care I’ve made. It’s true sometimes I feel I just a bystander, invisible to him. It’s sad..so sad. If I really mean to bad mouth or betrayed him, why do I still love and care for him..why? How can’t he see me or even think that? It’s so sad…so sad..my tears can’t stop running. It’s unspeakable sad.

Sometimes I think why I even bother to think about it? Why am I so stupid that he deserve such a special place in my heart? He told me to leave him alone. How can I leave him alone and make him invisible? If I know how, I already have done that in the first place. It’s easy to hate someone, but to love someone dearly, it’s hard. I have tried to hate him, blaming him for everything because it will make me easier to forget him. But it’s only working for a while. Because I can’t hate him, I just can’t. I just too care for him to hate him. How can you hate someone you care? I easily forgive him for everything. It’s so sad..so sad.

And because I love him, I force myself to face the truth. Unspeakable painful truth. I never have him more than a friend and day by day I try to live with the fact. I decided to be his good friend. A friend that will always stay by his side no matter what happen. Although I know he doesn’t trust me, but I trust him and for me it’s enough. Although he acting the opposite way. Am I wrong? Why I feel that only I want to preserve this friendship? I feel so tired. It’s been a year and yet he doesn’t know me. It’s so sad and my tears don’t stop running. Love is complex. It’s been countless times I’ve crying. Why can’t my heart give up? Why I love him so much? Why is this happen to me? Am I not strong enough?