Ai+Amor+Aime&Love

a decision to make

2009-06-08T20:31:00.000-07:00

I see the blank page before me and my heart filled with everything..mixed feeling that I can’t translate it with words. Is this the right decision? Or am I running away from my problem? I’m not sure about anything right now. But one thing for sure, I need to do something. I need to move on..means I need to forget him. It’s hard for me to make this decision since I do love him so much. I really do care him. I would do anything for him to be happy. And now, it’s clear that he’s happy. He already moved on with his new gf. She can give him what I can’t give him. He needs her and she makes her happy. Seeing him in good hands, so it’s time for me to go. I need to move on. It’s already been almost 2 years.
I think I can face him almost every day and acting nothing happen; face the problem, not running away from it. As I always did. Yet, I’m not strong enough. I still can’t. I still remember him each morning, before I sleep, every minute..wondering what he’s doing and whether he’s fine. Keep missing him. Keep searching whether he will be in the office or not. I can’t keep doing it. It’s already almost 2 years. I’m supposed to forget him, but unintentionally, I’m more in love with him. The worst thing is, I don’t care if he don’t like me. I don’t expect him to like me. I just him to be happy as that will make me so happy. But that also don’t do any good to other that care for me; my family, my friends. I don’t care if I don’t have anyone else, as long as I love him, but others don’t. It’s hard for me..it’s hard. But I think I need to do this. Maybe this is the right thing to do. He also be much happier if I’m gone, as I’m not really important in his life.

careless whisper

2009-06-02T23:33:00.000-07:00

Yesterday there was a scene that I can’t forget..always bugging in my mind. It’s just a moment. But it will make me smile each time I remembered it. A friend of mine blurted when he always saw my neighbor and I quarrel, miscommunication and etc..blurted that we both will be fated together. But I answered, it can’t be happening and smile. Funny how I can pretend that I don’t hoping that to happen. In front of him, it appears I tend to say otherwise, different from what inside my heart. Truthfully I love and always miss him. Whenever I miss him, how much I want to hear his voice, but I can’t call him. Coz I wonder if he will pick my call. If he do, what should I say, coz he will run away again if I say I miss him so much..truth not always nice. But I only can keep it inside because I’m afraid. If I be too honest with my feelings to him, things that happen before, will happen again and I can’t get through it again. It’s too painful seeing him like that..hurting him makes me hurt either.

Only here I can say, I do love you. But the truth always cruel. Your actions makes me assume that we never be together. Thus, I just keep this feeling and always stay by your side. It hurts when jealousy srikes..when you with other women, but I know I don’t have rights to you. I can’t force you to love me, but I can’t force myself for not loving you. Not for now. Seems like I’m in a love mess…and it already almost 2 years..yet I still miss him.

'time can never mend,
the careless whispers of u,
to the heart and mind,
ignorance is kind,
there's no comfort in the truth,
pain is all i'll find,
i'm never gonna dance again,
guilty feet have got no rhythm,
though it's easy 2 pretend,
but I still hear your careless whisper,
how much I need and miss u..'

Like only a woman can

2009-06-01T02:00:00.000-07:00

I really into this song.the lyric is so meaningful and touch my heart.i even cried the first time i heard it.i wish i can be that woman.hope that i can be a woman that really be appreciated by a man that truly loves me.i wonder where that man.. :). i love listening t music. i really do.it helps me to understand some feelings that i never been before plus for joy..hahahaa..

here it is..the words that captures me:

I wasn’t perfect
I’ve done a lot of stupid things
Still no angel
I wasn’t looking for forgiveness
Wasn’t laid out by my pride
Shocked by her attention
And someone signed me up for love
I didn’t want it
And now I can’t live without it

She changed my life
She cleaned me up
She found my heart
Like only a woman can
She pulls me up
When she knows I’m sad
She knows her man
Like only a woman can

She’s kind of perfect
She’s kind of everything I’m not
Yeah, she’s an angel
And it’s amazing how she’s patient
Even more at times I’m not
She’s my conscience
And who decided I’d be hers
I wanna hate them
Cos now I can’t live without her

She changed my life
She cleaned me up
She found my heart
Like only a woman can
She pulls me up
When she knows I’m sad
She knows her man
Like only a woman can

Like only a woman can
And who decided I’d be hers
I wanna hate them
Cos now I can’t live without her

Oh, and she changed my life
She cleaned me up
She found my heart
Like only a woman can
She pulls me up
When she knows I’m sad
She knows her man
Like only a woman can

Like only a woman can
Like only a woman can
Like only a woman
Like only a woman can

to a person that i love right now, i do hope i can be his woman...where i promise i will do my best, to be a good lover, loyal and be there whenever he needs me. but the truth always cruel. i dunno if he really need me :).

Angels and Demon

2009-05-19T18:46:00.000-07:00

When the first victim in the movie appeared, I knew it will be different than what I’ve read. The main plot still remain, but certain story that support it, been changed. Normal I guess because, based on LOTR and Harry Potter, those movies based on the novels also changed. Perhaps for many reasons, yet of course the main reason is to maximize the profit from the movie by making the movie more interesting and less heavy.

Moreover the other reason is the approach is different. For novel writers, an excellent plot is crucial for the success of a novel, while combination of good sound effect, famous actors and actress although with the simple plot, the movie can still sell and survive. I think that’s the beauty of making a movie, either you survive, or you can say bye bye to luxury. It’s risky to produce a movie, but once it successful, you are soo damn rich :).

Sometimes, I wish I have my own production. But I have to accept the reality. There are big difference between dream and reality. And the possibilities to be it true, infinity :(..Yet, that doesn’t stop me to enjoy watching movies, I always love it :).

true love..

2008-11-05T02:55:00.001-08:00

Love prevents u from realizing ‘love is too much of a burden’

Before it turns to hatred

Ain’t it the same for everything

You always put a lid on nasty events, turning to a false reality

In this era of twisted dilemmas

Even we two who exchanged a promise

Cross each other without realizing

Breaking each other, we’ve abandoned the idea of understanding one another

Is this the end that awaits us?

Even as I rise, unable to acknowledge this

I won’t run away from the image of my fall

Ah..no matter how many times

I’ll look out for these eyes of yours

And the warmth of your hands

You whispered ‘love always hurt me’

You must’ve been crying, scared of believing weren’t you

Know your weakness and grow strong

By believing and not being afraid

And you will know the true love

heart in war

2008-11-05T02:52:00.000-08:00

Despair is a sweet trap, a closed door,

Since the heart is a battlefield, it spares no one,

With their clockwork hearts being manipulated by fate,

The tin soldier begin the slaughter,

The rocking cradle that never witnessed love,

Burns out in the sleeping forest,

Even if the joy of coexisting disappears..far away,

Believe in tenderness..forgive everything,

In order to love, we must able to share with and understand each other..

s0 tireD...0f alL thiS

2008-11-05T02:35:00.000-08:00

My life right now is quite complex. Sometimes I don’t know what I should do anymore. I feel so tired and sad inside. Never thought my life could be this complicated. Am I making the wrong decision again? Why people usually misunderstood me? It’s so sad..honestly too sad and painful especially the person u love and care the most…misunderstood you. Not trusting you. Is there anything left if there is no trust build? How can I betray the person I care the most? Where did he get the idea of betrayal anyway? What makes he thinks like that? Is it hard for him to talk about it? Is it painful for him to discuss about it? I feel it’s not fair for me for not knowing what or which betrayal that he really means? It’s also sad and disappointing because he stills not know the real me even though we already be friends for a year. Every word he accused me just now, it’s so painful like a knife stabbing in my heart. Each words like a pouring acid in my heart and it keeps taunting me, keeps on repeating in my mind.

Maybe perhaps I also wrong here. Yes, I’m totally honest and easily trust people and now, there are people who stab me on my back. Giving stories which I don’t know how it’s been told to him, whether been adding spices or not. I really don’t know. But the fact is, it’s not my intentions to bad mouth about him. It’s more I ask for opinion why he acting like that because this is the first time I really love and care a person. I’m not an expert in flirting, in this romance relationship. Due to that, I ask opinions from so called friends and I appreciate every opinion. But not all of my friends know about it. If he has problems, I don’t know what to do. Confuse, worried, suffocated; in short I don’t know what to do. So, I ask opinion. But each time I talk about him, it’s more how to strengthen our friendship, coz of care and worries and because I want to help him. In between that, I always say his goodness despite my friend said he doesn’t appreciate every care I’ve made. It’s true sometimes I feel I just a bystander, invisible to him. It’s sad..so sad. If I really mean to bad mouth or betrayed him, why do I still love and care for him..why? How can’t he see me or even think that? It’s so sad…so sad..my tears can’t stop running. It’s unspeakable sad.

Sometimes I think why I even bother to think about it? Why am I so stupid that he deserve such a special place in my heart? He told me to leave him alone. How can I leave him alone and make him invisible? If I know how, I already have done that in the first place. It’s easy to hate someone, but to love someone dearly, it’s hard. I have tried to hate him, blaming him for everything because it will make me easier to forget him. But it’s only working for a while. Because I can’t hate him, I just can’t. I just too care for him to hate him. How can you hate someone you care? I easily forgive him for everything. It’s so sad..so sad.

And because I love him, I force myself to face the truth. Unspeakable painful truth. I never have him more than a friend and day by day I try to live with the fact. I decided to be his good friend. A friend that will always stay by his side no matter what happen. Although I know he doesn’t trust me, but I trust him and for me it’s enough. Although he acting the opposite way. Am I wrong? Why I feel that only I want to preserve this friendship? I feel so tired. It’s been a year and yet he doesn’t know me. It’s so sad and my tears don’t stop running. Love is complex. It’s been countless times I’ve crying. Why can’t my heart give up? Why I love him so much? Why is this happen to me? Am I not strong enough?

if life is a canvas...

2008-09-25T21:10:00.000-07:00

If life is a canvas and I’m the artist,

I would paint it with bold & harmony colors,

Even though it tainted by dirt,

Spilled by a glass of water,

I would paint more with vibrant colors,

I will never give up,

To live a life that I’ll never regret,

I will never give up,

To see the smiles of those I love,

I will never give up,

To see the beauty of life,

And the goodness of human kind.

My art might be nothing to anyone,

Yet it is the most magnificent artwork I’ve ever done.

nashrah

Kak Tini's Wedding...

2008-08-18T03:17:00.000-07:00

Congratulations to Kak Tini and her husband for their wedding ceremony last weekend. You look so sweet in that yellowish wedding piece..hehehe..

Nowadays there are a lot of my friends, office mates and my relatives engaged and get married. It seems like a trend..a popular one..hehehe.. Last week also Maya Karin's wedding with her husband, Muhammad Ali. She look stunning in that white wedding gown. I really love her gown. i wish i can wear that kind of gown in my wedding day, even though just in the studio..hahaha..

Talking about weddings and wedding gowns, i think i prefer white color. To me, white seems so pure which symbolize the love that unite two souls in one. Added with white roses or white lily where each means something to me. i don't really much care of big wedding ceremony because i don't want to burden him and my parents. Yet i do want my wedding to be the sweetest memory of all memories that i have, which i will always cherish in my heart. When i saw the couples get married, two main feelings usually appeared within my heart, happy [for their marriage] and a bit of envy [because they already found their true love as i still gapping my hands to the sky..searching something that never has the ending]. But that doesn't mean i hate them or any. Still in the positive aura..hehehe.. Well, as they always said, just let time and fate be the judge. My life is still long and there are many things that i haven't encountered and explored.

Thus, i just wait for my prince charming to save me riding his beautiful white horse and said 'I already fall in love with you..would you be the queen of my heart..?' [hahaha..this is what happen if i tgh berangan..too much of shakespeare and fairy tales ;D ] As i thought, i have a very high imagination...without borders indeed..(^_^)v. But it would be great if that thing will suddenly happen to us..it's just no horses involve coz nowadays, cars are popular..hahaha..Yet, it's still romantic (^_^)..

Alright..enough of wusshy musshy shakespeare thingy. Back to the fact..ahaha..i still single and been rejected..ouch..(~_^), yet who says i will give up..NEVER!..hahaha..there will be someone for me in the end of the road..yurp..(^_^)v.

Ohh..btw, below are more pictures taken during Kak Tini's wedding..enjoy!

nisfu syaaban..

2008-08-16T09:37:00.000-07:00

hari nie adalah malam nisfu syaaban..malam di mana Allah akan membuka 300 pintu rahmat untuk umat Islam memohon kerahmatan daripadaNya.

thus,

I pray for His forgiveness,
Gives me strength to strengthen my broken heart,
Gives me light to lighten my path,
Gives me wisdom to rationalize my actions,
Showered happiness to all my loved ones,
To be a better muslimah..

I will be stronger in future..insyaallah..

2008-08-14T08:58:00.000-07:00

My list to do and rules to follow..dated 14/8/2008..

where i have to let go the person that i love so much, coz he will never be mine and never will be together.

1-place a sticker or reminder in diary that he will never be the one..and i should get rid of him cause i am worth to get someone better

2-pray to Allah to show the best way

3- place reminder at place where i spend my time more

4-place reminder stating 'i'm better in any way and i'm worth for someone better than him' on things that remind him

5-i deserve someone better that will appreciates me for being there for him

6-the right person is sumwhere around me..just time will show me which one is that right person

7-i should have high self esteem

8-he choose that girl rather than me..it doesn't mean anything..it doesn't mean that girl is better than me

9-i should enjoy every moment of my life rather than to waste it by thinking of him

10-go out for fun.....enjoy my life.....focus more on my work

11-stop griefing about him..10 months is too long for giving him notice how much i love him..it's time to move on..

12-dont feel stupid....and regain myself.....

13-live life to the fullest and let the love comes naturally

14-when i look back later....i will regret how much i wasted my time and my tears for him and at the same time i feel how lucky i am for forgetting him..aahh..the sweetest part..

15-when..i already found someone that will truly love me for who i am...only then....i will realize how grateful and wonderful life is

16-do all this and follow the rules..

when it's over..it is OVER..it's time i get serious in educating my mind, close my heart and say bye bye honey..when it's over..you are too late.. +~_~+

Words of wisdom..to remind myself

2008-08-13T08:59:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking lately..analyze myself..which road will i choose, which path will i follow, which door i will open for the next few years..and i wrote this..to remind myself..to inspire myself..to educate myself..i really hope that the road i chose, the path i followed and the door i opened will lead me to happiness and what i've been searching for...

If u think u are beaten,u are.

If u think u dare not,u don't.

If u like to win,but u think u can't,

It's almost certain u won't.

If u think u'll lose,u are lost.

For out in the world we find.

Success begins with a fellow's will,

it's all in the state of mind.

If u think u are outclassed,u are.

you've got to think high to rise,

u've got to be sure of urself before

u can ever win a prize.

Life battle don't always go

to the stronger or faster man.

But, sooner or later,the man who wins

is the man who thinks he can..

thank you kak As..

2008-08-12T10:27:00.000-07:00

i dedicated this blog to my dearest kak Asnimar...for her has given me a cute teddy bear that i will cherish always..hehehe..thank you and i really appreciate it..

well..talking about her, she's a nice sis..with cute + always young face and her double triple cute son, Farid...omg..i don't know how to express how cute he is..honestly Farid is sooo damn cute plus the innocent look..makes me really like to kiss him and hug him..theeheehee..i always said to kak As 'i wonder how my baby will look like..seriously i don't have any clue'; yet still i can't stop wondering it. i wish my baby will be as cute as Farid..aaahh...*start dreaming* but as always my rationale side of me hit me back to reality with 'stop being unrealistic and thinking something unthinkable because you don't even have a man to get marry with in the 1st place'. ouch..it's hurt indeed. well, who says life is easy and always fair?

yet..that only for temporary..when i see Farid or any cute babies, i will start wondering again..hahaha...i just can't be helped anymore...theeheehee...

And again..thank you to a person who named Asnimar..(^_^)v

Teddy from Kak As (named teddy) and the cute packaging.. ;D

The star of this post..Farid..isn't he cute...hehehe...

Happy birthday to me..

2008-08-11T08:18:00.000-07:00

~~~Happy birthday to me ~~~
~~~Happy birthday to me ~~~
~~~Happy birthday to myself ~~~
~~~Happy birthday to me ~~~

hahaha..i'm singing birthday song to myself. i really missed my friends during university. they always do birthday surprise to me. i will never forget the moment. never. it's so precious and meaningful. i'm sitting here alone, thinking whether i would have the chance to have it again in the future..hahaha..but honestly, i appreciated every birthday wishes that i received today. thank you all (^_^).

i come from a family that always think i'm independent. nothing much to worried about, they don't really care less about this small things (which actually to me quite a big thing..hehehe..). my parents wouldn't know how old i am if i don't tell them...hahaha..my mum always guess i'm younger than the actual age, which i think quite good. everyone want to be younger than their age..hehehe..so i think i'm used of all this. i still love them though. not everyone perfect, including me..hehehe..

alright..now i'm a year older. what i want to do..hermm...i thought deeply..they're so much things i want to do. i think i'm a bit strayed of my actual plan due to unexpected events and other things. thus, my priority began to change. in the past, my 1st priority would be my career and marriage never be included in the plan..serious..i never thought of getting married or even want to have a boyfriend.

yet..day by day, i realize..deep inside of me..without i'm knowing before, my 1st priority is my family. i want to have a good family, a good husband, cute babies and i will try my best to be a good wife, a good lover, a good mother....hahaha..funny isn't it. how can fate playing with us. yet, as usual, the thing that we want the most is not easy to get or achieve. on the other hand, usually something that is easy to get, will floating away easily.it's human nature, they won't appreciate something that easily achieved because they don't remember the hard work. thus, i just let time and fate be the judge.

but that doesn't mean my career will be left out. i still be a career woman, it's just that it is my 2nd priority. i also want to pursue my study. perhaps, maybe i can be a lecturer or trainer. i began to love teaching. i'm by nature love to help people. so i think i want to help people as much as i could in my life, especially the people around me, the people that i love the most. that's how i want my life to be in the next few years until the soul has taken away from me. hence, i should try my best ne...hehehe..\(^_^)/

Somebody's me

2008-08-09T06:54:00.000-07:00

A song to someone that i will never forget. good lyrics and sexy voice from enrique..truly, i never can't forget you. the other part of me singing with this song...

You, do you remember me?
Like I remember you?
Do you spend your life
Going back in your mind to that time?
Because I, I walk the streets alone
I hate being on my own
And everyone can see that I really fell
And I'm going through hell
Thinking about you with somebody else

Somebody wants you
Somebody needs you
Somebody dreams about you every single night
Somebody can't breath without you, it's lonely
Somebody hopes someday you will see
That Somebody's Me

How, How could we go wrong
It was so good and now it's gone
And I pray at night that our paths will soon cross
And what we had isn't lost
Cause you're always right here in my thoughts

Somebody wants you
Somebody needs you
Somebody dreams about you every single night
Somebody can't breath without you, it's lonely
Somebody hopes someday you will see
That Somebody's Me

You'll always be in my life
Even if I'm not in your life
Because you're in my memory
You, will you remember me
And before you set me free
Oh listen please

Somebody wants you
Somebody needs you
Somebody dreams about you every single night
Somebody can't breath without you, it's lonely
Somebody hopes someday you will see
That Somebody's Me

to forget someone we love isn't as easy as ABC...

2008-08-08T03:39:00.001-07:00

Now i know how hard it is to forget someone we truly love. It's not easy indeed. It requires a lot of courage and determination, while your heart always resisting with emotions. I always believe once; "Let your heart be your guidance" or "Follow your heart and you will never lost", thus i always sincere with myself and follow my heart. But now, in this situation, i don't think it is relevant. When it comes to love and heartbreak, reality has to come first. No matter how hard it is..no matter how painful it is..no matter how many tears you cried..the fact of 'we cannot force someone to love us back' cannot be denied. Why? Because love never prejudice. Because love is pure.

Indeed loving someone isn't a crime, but making a fool of yourself as if worlds is ending..never be forgiven. There are a lot of things to be done..to achieve..lots of memories may created...because we only live once in this life and time never can be revert back.

I always say to myself to be stronger each day..educate my mind with positive thinking..exploring another angle..another horizon of my mind. Someone said to me twice that 'life is a journey..life not full of roses...'.. well, i agree with him though. it is true that life is a journey. the matters here is not the definition of life itself, but how we want our life would be. thus, making decision is important. Whereas, life is indeed not full of roses, even roses have torns! What i'm trying to say is, don't ever think one sided. it's not fair. Yet it doesn't mean, what he's saying isn't true. It's just, the statements won't stop as easy like that and will be never ending argument.

What i believe is in this world, everything and everyone isn't perfect. But it's never a crime to be at least perfect or to be better. Accepting this, means you will be a better person.

Tadaaa.....here are my new hair style

2008-08-04T10:10:00.000-07:00

It's been years i haven't do any hair makeover. thus, i think the last saturday, i have to do it. nothing can stop me. this makeover really meaningful and important to me..to start a new beginning and a state of mind. i always think that i'm just plain girl, but when i see this picture..hey..i'm not bad at all..;D

after all happens to me lately, i think i deserve something. so i went to a saloon and ask the stylist to do whatever he can do to make my hair lively and beautiful...hahaha...well..also with the cost..huhuhu..(^_~)

Tadaaa.....here are my new hair style...still long and wavy..hehehe...

Thanks uollz for staying beside me all afternoon and to dearest Erma for giving me the opportunity to do it..hehehe..

Love you all...*muahh*

a letter to someone...

2008-08-04T09:16:00.000-07:00

a letter to someone...(to remind myself)

I like you,
Ever since our first met,
At first it’s just because your eyes,
It is so beautiful and mesmerize,
Yet day by day,
Without my knowing,
I starting to love you more & more,
Missing you more & more,
Care about you more & more,

I realize that I love you,
When jealousy strikes me like lightning,
Never before like this,
I realize I love you,
When I can’t stop thinking about you,
Like ever flowing wind..endless,
I realize I love you,
When I can’t stop talk about you,
To me you are perfect,
You are inspirational,
It’s all happens without I’m knowing,

Don’t ask me what,
Because I love you without any reason,
Don’t ask me how,
Because it just happens,
Don’t ask me why,
Because I love you as who you are,
Accepting everything you have,
Never thinking of receive anything from you,
Because I know who am I to you,

I keep it silence,
For 9 months 2 days 23 hours 32 seconds,
Because I know your heart isn’t mine,
I keep it silence,
Because I am afraid to lose you,
Even as a friend,
I keep it silence,
Because I respect our friendship,
I keep it silence,
Because I know who am I to you,
I keep it silence,
Because I never have the courage to see the future,

Both of us ain’t wrong,
Because love is pure,
Both of us ain’t wrong,
Because loving a person isn’t a crime,
You ain’t wrong,
Because your heart is for someone’s else,
You ain’t wrong,
Because you have to be true to yourself,
I ain’t wrong,
Because loving you isn’t a crime,
I ain’t wrong,
Because I have to be true to myself,
Both of us ain’t wrong,
Because love doesn’t prejudice,

I know there will be time I have to make a choice,
Yet lets time and fate be the judge,
Worry not,
I’ll be better in time,
I will always smile,
Not because of you,
But because I deserve to,

I will always by your side,
Not as a foe,
But as a friend,
I will always by your side,
Not because I expect anything,
But because you are a good friend,

I will always by your side,
Not because of any hidden agenda,
But because I appreciate our friendship,
Because of happy memories we make,
Even we just know for a short time,

I hope this won’t exclude me from you,
I hope this won’t make you run away from me,
I hope this won’t end everything,
Because we are adult,
I hope we’re still friends,
And I am happy for you,
In whatever you do,
And I am getting stronger,
In whatever I do,
Thank you,
For giving me this feeling,
Thank you,
For giving me happy memories which I will never forget,
Thank you,
For everything,

I neeed HELP!!!!

2008-07-12T00:18:00.000-07:00

Please..i really need help...i feel sooo alone...why? coz i really want to watch movie..but no, none of my friends has the time..well, can't blame them either..they have their rights. And my groupwise server hairwired with the presentation time is just next week...why i feel my life getting out of control..one by one...slip through..from my hand...i don't want this..being rejected...painfully...then firmly raise up...then..turbulence again...wooohooo...what a life right now..

right now i have been thinking..reflecting myself...why am i not satisfied with all this? perhaps i haven't find my passion and i'm straying away from my dreams.whatever it is..i will never give up getting through this..i will find my own strength although it's just the smallest strength left in me. i will find any reason for not give up...yosh..akiramiru janaiii ooh..

3rd ep of love N heartbreak chronology

2008-07-09T04:07:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I’m not in the mood. My face all cloudy even in the morning; which is not good. Well, what can I do? My heart is pouring rain inside. I’m in the middle of heartbroken day…hahaha…never thought that I can be in this situation. Seriously, I never imagine it. But it does happen. Well, who say life is easy. However I didn’t blame him. He’s not at fault here. He doesn’t know the truth. How can I expect he read my mind? People can’t read minds. People can only assume. That’s all.

My day today is as usual, better than yesterday. Although I still sad, but I have to accept the fact. I even miss him today although I busy with work. I think I still can’t forget him. He will always special in my heart; always and forever. A friend said I better confess to him before it’s too late. I think she is right, but I don’t want him to be in dilemma between me and his dream girl. I will make sure myself can accept him as a friend. Yes, people can say I’m stupid. I know I am. But I can’t help it. I just can’t stop care about him. I can’t stop thinking about him. I can’t stop miss him…hehehe…he is special. I will always love him. I decided I want to be his shoulder to cry on. Lend my ears listening to his tension cracks and say ‘everything will be fine’. Laugh at his jokes although the jokes not humorous enough for me or I don’t get the point of it. Why? Because I want him to be happy. At least, I’m happy when he’s happy. That’s it. Nothing more to that.

I didn’t see him today and I might not see him next week because I have training. I will miss him. I hope my symptom (angau disease) is quite cured (coz I will be clumsy like hell if I don’t see him more than 5 days), or else I will be in trouble…hahaha…silly me.
that’s it for today. What happen next, only God knows. But I always hope for positive things happens to me. Hopefully.

2nd ep of love N heartbreak

2008-07-09T03:58:00.000-07:00

It feels just like yesterday I wrote my blog regarding my first love. But it seems like my first love only bring heartbreaks to me. Nothing more to that. I wish I didn’t have these feelings in the first place. Heartbreak is painful. My heart keeps on crying out loud without a sound which is unbearable. Thus makes me hard to talk, not in the mood of anything extra. I know that I have to keep on going. Be strong because it will over soon (hopefully, as my friend said). I want to be strong. I want to be I control and think positive. But I can’t right now. It’s pouring rain inside and it seems like it will go on and on. Sometimes the rain wants to go out, but there are always heavy clouds shield those before the rain gets worse. So friends, I am so sorry if I’m not as talkative as before. It’s because I don’t want the rain to gets worse and went out.

I wonder how I can face him every day. Can I be as before? How can I answer him if he asks my opinion regarding his love life? Honestly, I can’t stand it. It’s so much pain inside. Unbearable pain, but I really amazed of myself because I can control myself in front of him; giving my honest opinion about it. Sometimes I feel like I’m so stupid like hell. Why I’m so miss nice girl? Why can’t I be mean sometimes? (Nashrah…you’re so damn STUPID!)

One night can change everything…no to be precise, one moment can destroy everything. Yesterday we chat until he told me that he likes someone that is so much younger than him, surprisingly still in school. He just met her for 2 months now. He asked my opinion whether he should keep the relationship or not because he can’t wait longer for her to matured or ready. He seems like want to marry her and I feel that it’s rushing. The moment I heard that I don’t know what to say. My mind tries to find suitable words, my heart starts to feel pain by every word he said about his love life and the most difficult things is to make a fake face that I’m ok with everything he said; looking in his eyes saying that everything will be going to be fine. See…? I’m really a great actress am I? I should win an Oscar or something. Only God knows.
Right now, I think I can’t say much. The pain is still unbearable. Due to that I wrote this blog. Thank you to the people who invent this…hahaha…

I wonder what type of fake face should I do when I meet him today? I wonder what character should I be if I meet him today? I wonder when this pain will be over? Right now, how much really wish I don’t fall in love with him. I really do hope that. But it seems that, it’s already too late because I’m already lost in this deep cold sea.

Love N heartbreak chronology

2008-07-09T03:52:00.000-07:00

When I grew older and began to adapt my new lifestyle, being a career lady; I realize that life isn’t as easy as I usually think. There are many things to consider and for the first time in my life, I face the biggest (to me it is, seriously!) problem of all; love life. Having a career isn’t as fun as I usually imagine, but I think it’s not at all bad. I meet many people with various characteristic (which is quite interesting), learn a lot of things and being crazy in other way that I haven’t done before. My life starting to be unpredictable especially I began to lose control of my life (not as before) as I began to like someone. This is the first time I feel like unbearable if I don’t meet someone. The first time I care someone so much other than my family. The first time
I worried about someone just because a cough. How much I missed someone and his perfume will still lingers although he’s not there. The first time I really drew into a person’s eyes. Yes, I think I have fall in love. But reality always hurts. I think I fall in love to someone that might not like me. I always think that if we truly love someone, that person will always love us back. But now, I start to wonder whether that statement is even true. Being honest is always been my principle, but now I think I’m not being honest with my feelings. I think so many things and consequences that will occur if I confess to him that I like him. The one thing that drew me back is, I’m afraid that I will lose him if I tell him my true feeling. Yet day by day, I feel my heart going to blow because I can’t be honest and always pretending he’s only a friend. As all these happen to me, now I know the feeling of few famous drama / novel characters.

I hate myself because I didn’t being honest and being a coward (because of these I’m always in dilemma). I feel stupid because caring and worried someone so much, but he only treats you as one of his friend. I am angry of myself because I can’t control myself and let him be just a friend. Sometimes I just hate him because I love him so much. Woman is weird, but I think I’m weirder…haha..

I thank God for giving me friends around me to accompany me for this moment. Always patience hearing my bubbling about him so much. I can’t thank you girls enough. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Long Kong

2008-06-17T04:51:00.000-07:00

Herm..it’s been days I haven’t post blog here. Actually I did my mental note to write sumthing but my hand always full. I think I have to manage my time more effectively in the future..hahaha..alrite, what should I write here…herm..(thinking…)

Oh yeah..have you guys seen Long Kong 2? Well, I haven’t but looking forward to see it (^_^). I heard that Long Kong is one of the famous horror movie from Thailand and should not to be missed. Thus, I went to Speedy with hope to rent Long Kong cd. Well, at least I have the basis before I watch Long Kong 2. What can I say from watching it; don’t ever try with dark magic, not even once. Seriously, once revenge started, it will never stop. From this movie shows how deep revenge can overcome humanity. Moreover, it lays out the importance of faith in God, be good to others and respect them coz we don’t know the darkness in humans’ heart. As soon as the Long Kong movie finished, my mind racing thinking if I did make anyone angry or has the possibility to revenge me…*sigh*..I tell you, it’s not easy to be honest to yourself and admit sincere your wrongs. Scan through every bit of memories that you can remember and analyze each of it. It’s hard indeed but I think this need to be done. In the end I did have some names..hahaha..see, I’m not perfect, aware of that and accepting it (^_^).

Alright. Just this for now. To my friend who loves horror movie, I think Long Kong 2 should not be missed..hehehe….Herm..the problem I face now is, who wants to watch Long Kong 2 with me since most of my friend didn’t watch horror movie and busy with their own love life..I don’t want to watch movie alone..(~_~)||..

accidents & family

2008-06-03T05:50:00.000-07:00

I’ve got a call from my brother saying that they had an accident. I was shocked and speechless. All can I think of is how about my parents’ condition. Accidents always brings bad news no; to be precise, accidents is bad news. My brother continues that my parents are fine but the car isn’t. They really fortunate that they’re alive and only scratches. However the trauma still exists.

This accident was due to the other driver fault, but because of their carelessness, it affects others. Well, perhaps this already written by God and I really thankful as they’re fine. Once again, I really appreciate my family are still here with me. I really thankful to God for giving me the chance to live with them such a long time and I really pray to Him that will be with them more years to come.

I want them to see me achieve my dreams. I want them to be there in my wedding day. I want to share with them the feelings when I gave my first birth. I still want them to be with me years to come because I need them and I love them so much. Truth to be told, they’re my strength although sometimes we argue. My parents aren’t like other parents. They’re quite strict and old fashioned. But I know they mean good and I respect that. It’s just sometimes I fell that they just too much controlling my life. However when I think back, they actions are acceptable. I also not truly a good daughter, but I will try my best to be one. I know I always make mistakes, but I will try not to make the same mistake again.

Whenever I arguing with my parents, especially my mum, I always cry and wondering why I always get criticizes. Then, when I’m done crying, I think back of those things I said to her. I always feel bad about it because I actually don’t mean every painful words that I’ve said. I really do love and appreciate her. It’s just sometimes I feel my ego always come over me; which is not good (I should practice to control my ego (~_~)). After that, I always say sorry to her and as a mum, she forgave me. How kind a mother are.

I wonder what kind of mother will I be? I think marry to someone isn’t as easy as ABC. It needs a lot of commitment, patience, tolerance, communication and techniques (I guess so; techniques that are crucial in marriage). Especially when there are children in the family. Taking care a child require a lot of commitment with their usual needs, education, health, love and if taking care more than a child certainly need more than that. Bringing up children is a tough job and I believe this responsibility should not on the wife shoulder alone, but also the husband. Nowadays, there are a lot of challenges that will distract and giving bad influence to the children. Thus, the wife alone can’t bear the whole responsibility as she has a lot of other responsibilities to take care of. Especially for the working wife. I also believe in quality than quantity. It’s better to have less children than having a lot of children based on the family financial and capabilities; which I think important. What’s the use of having a lot of children if we can’t really give them our 100 percent commitment?

When the time comes, I will try my best to be a good mother, a good and understanding wife plus a good daughter (although I’m married).

Well, this is just what I think since I’m still single and available. Yeah…I know I did like someone, but the person only look me as a friend. Thus, let it be. I want to focus more on what I have now. The time will come, eventually. As for now, watashi wa ganbaru yo (^_^).

My Cinderella Story

2008-05-25T22:49:00.000-07:00

Today’s night I took my time watching Cinderella movie starring by Hillary Duff for the second time. This time I try to understand more each of the characters feelings and their decisions in certain situation. Then I said to myself ’this movie isn’t bad at all’; giving better comment than before. I like this statement

’fairy tale is not only about finding a handsome prince. But it is about realizing our dreams and standing in what we believe in’.

I think I have forgotten for a while about my dreams. I suppose not to forget that. This is what happen if you lose focus about realizing your dreams. Once I’m so particular person and always plan in whatever I want to do. But now, it seems like I just going with the flow; which is not really good for me.

I also like the friendship between Sam and Carter. They are really honest, helping each other which really makes me miss my friends. They’re really fun to be with, honest to me and we went together a lot. But since we separated due to career, we hardly see each. I do miss them a lot. Studying time is precious and a lot of important memories. I will always cherish those memories. I ask myself, will I ever meet them again? Will I ever find friends like them again? Whatever the answer is, I always believe that good things will come if we do good deed and vice versa. I believe God is fair and wise, thus I hope I can live my life with honesty.

In this movie, there is a part where the guy don’t recognize his dream girl. How can that happen? He at least has some clue. She just wearing an eye mask, not covering her whole face! Stupid and coward guy! He just left her fighting alone with all the students laughing at her. How could he do that? It’s so cruel, but that’s the fact. Reality always hurts and not always fair. But all we have to do is never afraid to face whatever coming, patience, stand in what we believe in and always pray to God. Well, at least this movie has a good ending. But what makes me think is, why Sam has to go and knock Austin head? I mean why must a girl has to start first? I think she is brave saying those things; honest and straight to the point. I like when she said

‘I can’t wait for you anymore because waiting for you is like waiting the rain to come in a draught’.

I think I understand her feelings because I feel like that either. That waiting feels like forever and full of uncertainties. Hence those uncertainties always steal my energy; left my wavering heart and mind. It’s so tiring. That’s why I don’t really like uncertainties. However the fact is life always full of uncertainties *sigh*.

Love & Peace

Nashrah